My Journey: Trying To Conceive

I think that hindsight is one of our greatest gifts. I discovered this on the year long journey I faced trying to conceive a child.

As a healthy woman I had no doubt that I would fall pregnant straight away. I knew my cycles really well and I felt pretty good so I really didn’t consider that there could be any problems. After a few months  however, I began to get frustrated (and impatient) so I made an appointment to see a holistic doctor – the only problem being that he had a 3 month waiting list!

Here was my first challenge: waiting. I can’t stand it. But of course there was no use in fighting things beyond my control so I took some of my own advice and found acceptance. After meeting with the doctor and having some routine blood tests I discovered that I wasn’t as healthy as I first thought I was. I had major deficiencies in iron, vitamin B, magnesium, vitamin D, zinc and had cholesterol levels so LOW that it was effecting my hormones and my body’s ability to produce essential minerals. This was heavy. Then on top of all of this we discovered that I also had a digestive parasite (which was the cause of my low iron).

This was not all bad. It was not a diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness or some sort of hereditary or genetic disorder beyond my control. All of these things could be corrected and repaired. Even though I knew this, my reaction was as if I had received a tragic diagnosis. Here was my next challenge: negative thoughts. I struggled with despair and self-hatred before reaching the point where I felt ready to tackle the issue.

Soon after I was hit hard with my next challenge: money. And not just about actually finding the finances to buy all the supplements/food/products I needed but the underlying issue of not believing that I was worthy of having this money spent on me. This had been a recurring issue of mine and it was finally being presented to me in a way that I could not ignore. So I desperately wanted health (in general but also for the greater purpose of having a child) but I felt constantly guilty about the money I was “wasting” on getting there.

This was a long and painful lesson. Getting rid of the parasite involved a 3 month herbal cleanse that had several unpleasant symptoms. Some days I was in so much pain that I was not able to do anything at all. I started to feel sorry for myself and think that my situation would never improve. I’m sure you can imagine what thinking like this achieved!

When your “in the middle” of a journey or transformation it can be difficult to see end in sight. This is where, in hindsight I can see that it was all worth it and that it didn’t drag on for as long as I thought it did. This is where an outsiders perspective can really help. For me it was my doctor – who also does cranio sacral healing. We worked through my issues around worthlessness and he helped me to face my fears head on. He explained how we need to take a spiritual/emotional approach to physical symptoms in order to heal them fully and prevent their return. I agree with this completely! And I must admit that worthlessness related to spending money on myself had been an ongoing issue for me.

He asked me about the sort of headspace I would like to be in when I have a child and worthlessness did not enter into it – I had to deal with this first! In order to experience the extent of my worthlessness I had to face the reality that I might not be able to conceive a child. I allowed myself to release the associated grief, frustration, self-blame and pain. I retreated while I went on my healing journey. It took me a few weeks but I emerged refreshed and connected with all that gave me meaning and purpose – whether or not my future involved being a mother.

I had found peace which allowed me to transcend the “problem” of not being able to fall pregnant and just enjoy being exactly where I was in that moment. This really took the pressure off! Instead of seeing this as a “problem” I recognised it for the gift that it was.

It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to discover that I fell pregnant within a month after this!

Moral of the story: We always attract situations that are perfect for us to learn what we need to learn.

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